The Truth About Parenting (and What Kids Want More Than Their MTV)

I was 19 and had already lived on my own for two years. I had worked as a cocktail waitress the year before.  My routine was set: come home late (or early as the case may be), and wind down on the couch watching a brand new cable channel: MTV. In those days MTV was all about the music and the videos were just plain fun. 

Circumstances forced me to move back home temporarily.  Yet my routine stayed the same.  Late at night I’d curl up on the couch with my onscreen friends, VJs (video jockeys) Nina Blackwood and Martha Quinn. 

They’d tell me about the music and the four-minute movies took me away from my problems for a little while.  I’d listen to The Pretenders lament about being back on the chain gang.  Rod Stewart inspired young hearts to be free.  I’d have taken Rod Stewart’s version of life over Chrissie Hynde’s if I could.  

Shortly after moving back, my mother came and sat next to me on the couch for a chat.  And then she just came out with it.

What she said was, “I don’t care what you watch, but I don’t want your younger sister watching MTV.”

What I heard was…she didn’t love me. 

What I heard was…my worthless ways were a threat to my sister.

What I heard was…she loved my sister enough to believe she was still worth saving. 

On the outside I was 19 and a legal adult.  But on the inside I was still a child waiting for her mother to give her the discipline she never had…the love she never had. 

I moved out shortly after.  And for the next six years I behaved as someone who believed she was hopeless. 

The truth is kids want to be disciplined.

God created us in His image with an inward need for order, for discipline.  We desire structure and boundaries.  A well-lived life depends on it. Our flesh may rail against it, but our soul feeds on it.

No matter how much our kids complain about it, they want boundaries. 

They crave boundaries.

With them they find security and peace.

When we discipline our kids, we send the message that they are loved, cared for and nurtured.  That they are worthy of our time and attention.  Without discipline, they are left feeling unloved, inadequate, unprotected. 

Alone.

Without those boundaries they can begin to act out with erratic or violent behaviors, drugs or alcohol and/or sex. 

Acting out is a flashing neon sign saying:

“PLEASE, SOMEONE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SPEND TIME WITH ME

AND TEACH ME HOW TO GROW UP!”

I see a lot of kids who are craving boundaries making headlines.  Children are brazenly and brutally bullying other children and even adults.  Victims, some as young as 6, are taking their own lives.

Cyberbaiting is the coined term for a new and brazen spin on old-school type of bullying.  It’s become a form of entertainment for bullies equipped with a smartphone. Students will continually harass and provoke a teacher until he or she breaks down.  Students then easily and ruthlessly take pictures and videos of the teacher and post them online.

Sometimes even the justice system backs up the child who has bullied. That was the case in Florida when a student started a Facebook group for people who hated a particular teacher.  She encouraged other students to post comments about how much they hated the teacher, too.  The group was eventually deleted and the child was suspended.  But the student sued, saying her right to free speech had been violated.  She won $15,000. 

These are students.  Children.  How do they go from being innocent babies to such ruthless and destructive young people in such a short amount of time? 

As parents we think we have 18 years to shape them. 

But here’s the kicker: we don’t. 

The truth is we have a good 7 to 10 years to instill discipline.

Maybe less.

God tells us we need to begin early. 

Train up a child in the way he should go, 
and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

The word child in this verse refers to the time between infancy and adolescence.  A child’s character is largely molded by the time they’re 7 or 8. 

So what is discipline? 

Loving…Exampling…Respecting…Guiding…Training

Teaching…Communicating…Listening…Leading…Correcting

PRAYING!

Jesus gave us the perfect example. He discipled twelve men for three years.  Through eleven of them and Paul, God radically changed the world.


(Let me just say this as an aside, not because it's less important but because it's off the main topic: the fact that Jesus was the perfect mentor and still one of his disciples, Judas, went astray, is a perfect example that we can be the very best parent possible and yet one of our kids can choose the wrong path.  Sometimes they get in with the wrong crowd.  Sometimes there's been abuse from outside the family.  


If you see a sudden behavioral change in your child, I urge you to not simply chalk it up to adolescence or a phase.  Pray God will show you the truth.  Then sit down with your child and and talk.  They may be reluctant to talk at first, or even for a while.  Keep trying. Hopefully you've had the lines of communication open all along and they'll come around, knowing how much you love them.  Keep reminding them they can trust you with anything they have to say.  If you need to, reach out for counseling.)

Parents, Grandparents, Foster Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Guardians:

We need your children.  A lost and dying world needs your children.  We need them to grow up to be loving, responsible, respectful, hard-working men and women of integrity.

We need children who will grow into adults who care more about contributing to the well-being of the world and those in it than their own comfort and entertainment. 

The truth is we have get back to parenting.

Real parenting.  The kind where we take a real interest in our kids and what they’re doing.  Even if they’re watching MTV.  Parents and kids have gone their separate ways in America for too long.  We can’t be too busy, too lazy or too afraid to discipline our kids…to disciple our kids.

They won’t tell you, but what kids really want, more than their MTV or anything else, is a parent who cares about them...who cares for them.  A parent who loves them enough to be involved in their life.  A parent they can look up to.  A parent they can go to for advice when they don’t know what to do.  A parent they know will have their back.  A parent who’s on their side, for better or worse. 

So what if your child is older?  Say, 19 and beginning a life of rebellion by watching MTV?

Remember: on the outside kids can appear hardened, but it's all a ruse, a protective mechanism.  They don't want you to see they’re vulnerable...and hurt. And a lot of parents don't get that. They don't look past the anger and rebellion to the hurting child they are on the inside. But we have to.  That's what love does.

So what can you do?

Read God’s Word. Daily.  

Pray.

Pray some more.

Keep praying.

Love through the attitude.

Don’t give up.  Ever.

There is hope.  I am living proof of God’s grace and mercy and redemptive power.  

You can do it.
Let me know how it's going!


Blessings,
Dorci  

Lessons Learned ~ An Open Letter to My Dad

Dear Dad,

When I saw you last, you laid in a comfortable room all your own in a beautiful home. The first time I walked through it I knew Jesus had hand-picked that home and that room just for you. 

Dad, you would have loved it.  Your room kept watch over a gorgeous collection of plants and flowers in the big backyard. Oh, how I wanted to be able to walk through the gardens with you, enjoying the sunshine and the beauty of every rose and daisy. 

No doubt our conversation would have meandered with the gardens.  We’d eventually ponder much weightier issues like the world’s problems and how to solve them.  We always had the answers, didn’t we? 

And our conversation would have invariably settled on the mysteries of the universe, and of God.  This conversation would have gone very differently than all the others, though.

For thirteen years I prayed for you.

And when we were finally able to enjoy those weekly gabfests on the phone I did my best to steer as many conversations as possible toward the Lord.  I tried to explain to you historically, intellectually, logically and emotionally why Jesus is the only way to salvation, the only way to heaven.  And you’d always say you were trying. 

The end of every conversation would come, and I’d let my words offering you Christ hang in the air as a gift, desperately hoping you’d take them, but you never did.  I always hung up thinking if only I’d said it differently... 

If I could have I would have forced them on you as a parent forces a child to eat his broccoli and drink his milk. 

Soon after you had gone, I realized the mistake I’d made all those years.  And all I wanted to do was grasp one day to do it over. If I could I would have done it all over.  I’d trade in some of those conversations, some of those awkward attempts at apologetics, and take a meal to you. 

I’d take a jar full of jelly beans to your apartment and set it on the table next to your chair. While I was there I would have cleaned your apartment and done some laundry, if you’d let me.  I’d frame some pictures of your grandsons and hang them on the wall. 

I’d buy you a proper journal so you didn’t have to write your soulful words on the scraps of paper and backs of old envelopes we found scattered around your apartment.  I’d have you over for dinner more often so Eric and Sean could get to know you better.  We still grin and tell each other your favorite joke: So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?” I can still hear that high-pitched almost giggle you reserved for jokes you thought were especially hilarious.

I would have shown you the love of Jesus I tried so desperately to tell you about.  I thought I’d have enough time, but I didn’t. 

Time is always short.

You might not have let me do those things, but I wish I had tried.  I wish I had used the short time we had together to show you how much I loved you and how much I appreciated you.  I would have shown you that you were worth loving and you were worth dying for.

I loved our conversations, but I wish I had used the time putting feet to my words, enriching both our lives even more.  And maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t have taken until just five days before you went to be with Jesus to give Him your heart.  Maybe those acts of love would have opened your eyes to the truth sooner.  But they were opened, and I am so grateful.

You taught me that lesson, Dad.  I don’t always remember it, but you taught me that life is short, and sometimes it’s over much sooner than we ever thought it would be.  And sometimes our words are just words until we bring them to life. 

 

I can picture you now, tending the garden of your dreams and having long conversations with everyone who stops by to smell the roses. I'll be there soon, and when I am, I’m coming to your house, Dad, the one prepared just for you.  I’ll clean it, top to bottom.  I'll set a crystal vase overflowing with fresh flowers on your table.  I’ll bring you some jelly beans and we’ll talk. 

Your loving daughter,      @

Dorci                               ~\~

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

1 John 3:18

Life's a Crazy, Peculiar, Beautiful Puzzle

Some of us are straight-edged, some are curved on all sides.  Some stick out more than others.  Seems just about all of us have holes.  Some see part of a clear picture, others' are a bit fuzzy-some glitzy and some not.  Some are bright and cheery, others are muted and mysterious. 

But one thing's clear.

We are each an important piece of a grand puzzle, interlocked with countless other lives.  None of knows quite how we fit in or exactly how we'll look when this is all over.  As time goes on, we may catch a glimpse of the picture.  Only God knows for sure.

We are His masterpiece...His magnum opus.

Sometimes we try pushing our way into someplace we're not meant to be. Sometimes we feel like we've been off to the sidelines for a very, very long time. But we're each an integral part of His grand plan.

And if we'll trust Him, and go where He tells us...or trust Him, and wait...

He'll make something beautiful.

Right now things may look like just a jumbled up mess of shapes and colors. Circumstances don't make sense; the people we have in our lives don't always make sense.  But we fit into their picture, and they in ours.

And the final scene will be more beautiful than we can ever imagine.  

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Lord, help us to go where You tell us and do what You've designed us to do. Help us to wait when You want us to wait.  Help us to trust You through all our trials. Help us to love the people You've put in our lives. 

Help us to put our faith in You more and more each day, knowing that You are not a God Who doesn't care.  You love us and You're actively involved in our lives with good and godly purposes in mind.  

You are our Master.  Do with us what You will. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen 

Max Lucado on Forgiveness

I found this excellent teaching by Max Lucado on forgiveness, focusing on the life of Joseph.  In true Max Lucado fashion, he pulls together nuggets of truth from God's Word that help us see even more clearly Joseph's journey to forgiving his brothers, and how we can forgive, too. 

He expounds beautifully my last blog on forgiveness, so if you struggle in this area, and I think most of us do, I hope you'll be blessed by it.

Dorci

Forgiveness is the Key

The room is dark and every surface hard.  A cold chill blows in from the tiny, barred window.  It’s dank, and there’s a constant dripping from the ceiling that echoes through the room as it falls against the unforgiving ground.  It relentlessly interrupts the peace of the one who shares the room.

Drip…..drip…..drip. 

Someone’s in prison because you put them there. We all put someone in prison when we choose not to forgive. 

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the parable of a man who owed his master ten thousand talents.  He was not able to pay so he begged for mercy.  The master had compassion and forgave a debt he could never repay.

That same servant then went and confronted a fellow servant who owed him a few hundred denarii.  The second servant also begged for mercy but the first servant refused, and had him thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

In Greek mathematics, ten thousand was the highest possible number.  A talent was worth approximately six thousand denarii, and one denarii was the amount of a day’s wage.  Ten thousand talents would be equal to sixty-million day’s wages, or about 164,384 years.  In other words, it is an impossible debt to repay.

Our debt as sinners to God is impossible to repay.  Not only could we never know the amount to be repaid, but even if that amount could be counted, we would never have the proper currency.  The only payment is death.  So God sent Jesus—the sinless Son of God—to pay our debt in full.  And when we accepted that payment, we were set free. 

And then someone sins against us.  The pain is significant but the debt is nowhere near what we were forgiven for—every sin we will ever commit.  Still, sometimes we stubbornly refuse to forgive.

Jesus finishes the parable by saying,

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.” This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’” Matthew 18:32-35 NIV

You walk up to the darkened room and stand at the barred door. 

Drip…..drip…..drip.

You see the shadow of the person inside. Only your forgiveness can unlock the door. 

You choose to forgive. 

The lock snaps free and the door swings open with a creak.  You strain to see who’s inside.  The one you've set free walks forward to greet the light and breathe in the fresh air.  You recognize the face only there's a new joy dancing in the person's eyes and a new love in the heart.







It’s you. 

The Journey to Becoming a Writer

I loved English.  I loved dissecting sentences and putting them together.  I loved reading novels and poetry and all kinds of non-fiction. But I never thought of being a writer.  I never considered a blank page.

I grew up, got married and had two kids.  I became a Christian and got busy serving at church.  I cooked and baked and painted and sewed and read.  But I never contemplated writing. 

Then I was asked to teach, and then to write short devotions.  But I still didn’t consider myself a writer. 

And then God slowed me down.  He has a way of doing that.  And I found more time to sit at the computer.

A friend suggested I start a blog.  She said I was a writer.  I wasn’t sure if I should believe her.

God slowed me down even more.  I couldn’t stand for long to cook or bake or shop anymore.  Painting was out of the question.  So I began to write.  I remembered the words of my friend, and I started a blog.

I didn’t think of myself as a writer, but God did.  He slowed me down so I could see what He saw.  He wanted to show me some things so I could share them with you.

God has brought me to this place to show me that I am a writer.  He has made me so.  Not for myself or my purposes but to glorify and magnify the Name of Jesus.  And for that privilege I will humbly say, I am a writer!

Blessings!

Dorci

(This is my submission for the I Am a Writer contest for the blog Jeff Goins Writer.)

Glorifying God in the Daily Challenges of Being a Mom

Moms face more challenges than they ever would have expected on the day they first met their child.  It starts out easy--bottles and naps and diaper changes (quick ones if it’s a boy).  And the crying, oh yes, the crying.  One of mine had a shriek that could crack a window pane. 

Then the challenges graduate to making sure every drawer and cabinet and toilet seat is securely locked.  And there are the temper tantrums, in the middle of a store or restaurant no less, with every judgmental eye glaring in your direction. 

Then there are the school lunches, the peer pressure, the homework left until 10 pm on Sunday night.  There are pre-teen crushes and sometimes bullying, either on the giving or receiving end. There’s the time they get lost in the store for a full 7 minutes and 18 seconds. 

   

There’s the first time your child lies to you.  And the first time they say, “I hate you!”

There are threats to run away to live with a friend who has much better parents than you.  There are struggles about what to and what not to watch on TV.  There are the late nights wondering who they’re with and what they’re doing. 

Sometimes the challenge is losing a child far too soon.

Sometimes there’s shoplifting or drugs or alcohol. You listen for sirens or a knock at the door.  You wonder for long stretches if anything you’re saying is sticking between the ears.

 

And through it all you love them with a love that is indescribable.  They are not just your child but a part of yourself.  They are your heart living on the outside.  And you’d do anything for them.

 

It’s a wholly beautiful mystery, this relationship between mom and child. 

And some moms face challenges that others of us will never know.

   

When the angel Gabriel told Mary that she would be with child, being an unwed mom would be just the beginning of the many challenges she’d face. She had no idea what else was coming.  Seeing her son crucified would be the greatest challenge.  But she accepted those challenges with grace and humility as she told the angel, “I am the Lord’s servant.” May your word to me be fulfilled.” (Luke 1:38)

And in the end, that’s really the greatest challenge of all--to accept the unique challenges given to us in each child every day with grace and humility unto the Lord.  And when we do, and we train them up in the way they should go, and never give up (okay, maybe for a minute or two), we bring God glory.

What you do does not go unseen, dear mom. God sees it all and He smiles on you. What you do matters, and in the end it will all be worth it.  God will make sure of it.

This is the story of another mom who has accepted the challenges of the precious child given to her by God with grace and humility.  I am strengthened by her inspiring story and I think you will be, too.

Happy Mother’s Day and thank you for all you do!

A Prayer For Our Nation

National Day of Prayer 2012

Heavenly Father,

We come to you today, not in our strength, not in our intellect or anything within ourselves, but solely on the grace afforded us by the blood of Your Son. We acknowledge our sin before You and ask that You would forgive us.  Forgive us for turning away from You and Your righteousness.  Forgive us for turning away from morals, for justifying our sin.  We ask for Your mercy.  We need You and invite You into our nation and ask that You would once again make us a nation whose God is the Lord.  Woo us back to you, Father. Draw us back into your safe and loving arms.  Turn our hearts back to you.  May we come back to you as a prodigal child returns home. 

Father, I lift up our leaders to you and ask that you would prick their hearts to desire You above all else in their lives. Give them a boldness and courage to do the right things, not right according to our own human reasoning, but right according to Your Word.  Only You know what the future holds and only You know the direction we need to go as a country.  Father, open our leaders’ eyes and may they receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and may you give them Your wisdom. Open their eyes to see the fruitlessness of going their own way.  Help them to make the right decisions for the people of this country. 

Father, make your people sensitive to Your Holy Spirit that we might follow You no matter how difficult that may become.  Light a fire within our hearts again to follow only You rather than the world.  May be we be sick of the world’s ways and come out from it to be a separate people, holy unto You.  May we be of one mind, serving You and doing the work of the kingdom while we still can.  Turn us back to our first Love, that we may love the Lord with all our hearts, with all our souls, with all our minds, and with all our strength.

I pray for the people of this country, those who are homeless, without jobs, sick and without healthcare.  Lord, please show your loving kindness to them and help those who earnestly want a job to find a job. Please provide shelter and medical care for those who need it.  Where we, your body, can help, give us hearts to help and the means to do it.  Help us to be known as those who are actively, lovingly reaching out to people in need.  May we set the example to the rest of the world.  I pray that you would raise up well-trained and loving teachers to put in our classrooms and that our schools would be a safe place for our children to learn. 

Father, help us to see how foolish we’ve been.  Give us a vision for the far-reaching consequences of our sin and may we quickly repent of our sins and turn our hearts and families and businesses and nation back to You.  May we seek to glorify and magnify the Name of Jesus in all we do and say.  Father, please hear our pleas through the blood of Your precious Son, Jesus. 

We love You and praise Your holy Name.  Amen.