The Truth About Parenting (and What Kids Want More Than Their MTV)

I was 19 and had already lived on my own for two years. I had worked as a cocktail waitress the year before.  My routine was set: come home late (or early as the case may be), and wind down on the couch watching a brand new cable channel: MTV. In those days MTV was all about the music and the videos were just plain fun. 

Circumstances forced me to move back home temporarily.  Yet my routine stayed the same.  Late at night I’d curl up on the couch with my onscreen friends, VJs (video jockeys) Nina Blackwood and Martha Quinn. 

They’d tell me about the music and the four-minute movies took me away from my problems for a little while.  I’d listen to The Pretenders lament about being back on the chain gang.  Rod Stewart inspired young hearts to be free.  I’d have taken Rod Stewart’s version of life over Chrissie Hynde’s if I could.  

Shortly after moving back, my mother came and sat next to me on the couch for a chat.  And then she just came out with it.

What she said was, “I don’t care what you watch, but I don’t want your younger sister watching MTV.”

What I heard was…she didn’t love me. 

What I heard was…my worthless ways were a threat to my sister.

What I heard was…she loved my sister enough to believe she was still worth saving. 

On the outside I was 19 and a legal adult.  But on the inside I was still a child waiting for her mother to give her the discipline she never had…the love she never had. 

I moved out shortly after.  And for the next six years I behaved as someone who believed she was hopeless. 

The truth is kids want to be disciplined.

God created us in His image with an inward need for order, for discipline.  We desire structure and boundaries.  A well-lived life depends on it. Our flesh may rail against it, but our soul feeds on it.

No matter how much our kids complain about it, they want boundaries. 

They crave boundaries.

With them they find security and peace.

When we discipline our kids, we send the message that they are loved, cared for and nurtured.  That they are worthy of our time and attention.  Without discipline, they are left feeling unloved, inadequate, unprotected. 

Alone.

Without those boundaries they can begin to act out with erratic or violent behaviors, drugs or alcohol and/or sex. 

Acting out is a flashing neon sign saying:

“PLEASE, SOMEONE LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SPEND TIME WITH ME

AND TEACH ME HOW TO GROW UP!”

I see a lot of kids who are craving boundaries making headlines.  Children are brazenly and brutally bullying other children and even adults.  Victims, some as young as 6, are taking their own lives.

Cyberbaiting is the coined term for a new and brazen spin on old-school type of bullying.  It’s become a form of entertainment for bullies equipped with a smartphone. Students will continually harass and provoke a teacher until he or she breaks down.  Students then easily and ruthlessly take pictures and videos of the teacher and post them online.

Sometimes even the justice system backs up the child who has bullied. That was the case in Florida when a student started a Facebook group for people who hated a particular teacher.  She encouraged other students to post comments about how much they hated the teacher, too.  The group was eventually deleted and the child was suspended.  But the student sued, saying her right to free speech had been violated.  She won $15,000. 

These are students.  Children.  How do they go from being innocent babies to such ruthless and destructive young people in such a short amount of time? 

As parents we think we have 18 years to shape them. 

But here’s the kicker: we don’t. 

The truth is we have a good 7 to 10 years to instill discipline.

Maybe less.

God tells us we need to begin early. 

Train up a child in the way he should go, 
and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

The word child in this verse refers to the time between infancy and adolescence.  A child’s character is largely molded by the time they’re 7 or 8. 

So what is discipline? 

Loving…Exampling…Respecting…Guiding…Training

Teaching…Communicating…Listening…Leading…Correcting

PRAYING!

Jesus gave us the perfect example. He discipled twelve men for three years.  Through eleven of them and Paul, God radically changed the world.


(Let me just say this as an aside, not because it's less important but because it's off the main topic: the fact that Jesus was the perfect mentor and still one of his disciples, Judas, went astray, is a perfect example that we can be the very best parent possible and yet one of our kids can choose the wrong path.  Sometimes they get in with the wrong crowd.  Sometimes there's been abuse from outside the family.  


If you see a sudden behavioral change in your child, I urge you to not simply chalk it up to adolescence or a phase.  Pray God will show you the truth.  Then sit down with your child and and talk.  They may be reluctant to talk at first, or even for a while.  Keep trying. Hopefully you've had the lines of communication open all along and they'll come around, knowing how much you love them.  Keep reminding them they can trust you with anything they have to say.  If you need to, reach out for counseling.)

Parents, Grandparents, Foster Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Guardians:

We need your children.  A lost and dying world needs your children.  We need them to grow up to be loving, responsible, respectful, hard-working men and women of integrity.

We need children who will grow into adults who care more about contributing to the well-being of the world and those in it than their own comfort and entertainment. 

The truth is we have get back to parenting.

Real parenting.  The kind where we take a real interest in our kids and what they’re doing.  Even if they’re watching MTV.  Parents and kids have gone their separate ways in America for too long.  We can’t be too busy, too lazy or too afraid to discipline our kids…to disciple our kids.

They won’t tell you, but what kids really want, more than their MTV or anything else, is a parent who cares about them...who cares for them.  A parent who loves them enough to be involved in their life.  A parent they can look up to.  A parent they can go to for advice when they don’t know what to do.  A parent they know will have their back.  A parent who’s on their side, for better or worse. 

So what if your child is older?  Say, 19 and beginning a life of rebellion by watching MTV?

Remember: on the outside kids can appear hardened, but it's all a ruse, a protective mechanism.  They don't want you to see they’re vulnerable...and hurt. And a lot of parents don't get that. They don't look past the anger and rebellion to the hurting child they are on the inside. But we have to.  That's what love does.

So what can you do?

Read God’s Word. Daily.  

Pray.

Pray some more.

Keep praying.

Love through the attitude.

Don’t give up.  Ever.

There is hope.  I am living proof of God’s grace and mercy and redemptive power.  

You can do it.
Let me know how it's going!


Blessings,
Dorci  

Max Lucado on Forgiveness

I found this excellent teaching by Max Lucado on forgiveness, focusing on the life of Joseph.  In true Max Lucado fashion, he pulls together nuggets of truth from God's Word that help us see even more clearly Joseph's journey to forgiving his brothers, and how we can forgive, too. 

He expounds beautifully my last blog on forgiveness, so if you struggle in this area, and I think most of us do, I hope you'll be blessed by it.

Dorci

Forgiveness is the Key

The room is dark and every surface hard.  A cold chill blows in from the tiny, barred window.  It’s dank, and there’s a constant dripping from the ceiling that echoes through the room as it falls against the unforgiving ground.  It relentlessly interrupts the peace of the one who shares the room.

Drip…..drip…..drip. 

Someone’s in prison because you put them there. We all put someone in prison when we choose not to forgive. 

In Matthew 18, Jesus tells the parable of a man who owed his master ten thousand talents.  He was not able to pay so he begged for mercy.  The master had compassion and forgave a debt he could never repay.

That same servant then went and confronted a fellow servant who owed him a few hundred denarii.  The second servant also begged for mercy but the first servant refused, and had him thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

In Greek mathematics, ten thousand was the highest possible number.  A talent was worth approximately six thousand denarii, and one denarii was the amount of a day’s wage.  Ten thousand talents would be equal to sixty-million day’s wages, or about 164,384 years.  In other words, it is an impossible debt to repay.

Our debt as sinners to God is impossible to repay.  Not only could we never know the amount to be repaid, but even if that amount could be counted, we would never have the proper currency.  The only payment is death.  So God sent Jesus—the sinless Son of God—to pay our debt in full.  And when we accepted that payment, we were set free. 

And then someone sins against us.  The pain is significant but the debt is nowhere near what we were forgiven for—every sin we will ever commit.  Still, sometimes we stubbornly refuse to forgive.

Jesus finishes the parable by saying,

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.” This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.’” Matthew 18:32-35 NIV

You walk up to the darkened room and stand at the barred door. 

Drip…..drip…..drip.

You see the shadow of the person inside. Only your forgiveness can unlock the door. 

You choose to forgive. 

The lock snaps free and the door swings open with a creak.  You strain to see who’s inside.  The one you've set free walks forward to greet the light and breathe in the fresh air.  You recognize the face only there's a new joy dancing in the person's eyes and a new love in the heart.







It’s you. 

Our God's Alive!

"I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever!"

Rev. 1:18

~Jesus the Christ

Happy Resurrection Day!
Dorci

Lessons From the Cross

As Jesus hung on the cross, bloodied and bruised and agonizing, His thoughts and purpose for us remained steadfast.  These are the words He chose to speak as His last before His work was done and just a few things we can learn from them.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Luke 23:34

He showed us mercy and forgiveness and gave us hope that we can forgive no matter the circumstances, too. 
  

"I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise."

Luke 23:43

            He showed us grace and the hope of heaven.

"Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother."
John 19:26-27

            He showed us His compassionate provision. 


“Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”   
Matthew 27:46

He showed us that even when we don’t understand we are to cling to the Father in the midst of our suffering.

"I am thirsty."
John 19:28

            He showed us humility.

"It is finished!"
John 19:30

            He showed us His completed work.  There is nothing left for us to do.


"Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."
Luke 23:46

            He showed us complete dependence and trust in the Father for our

            eternal souls.


   
Question4U: What lessons do you learn from Jesus' last words on the cross?

Love and blessings,
Dorci

The Way of Love

Tommy’s taken some time out of his successful life as a doctor, spending the day out on the golf course with his buddies when he receives an alarming phone call from another part of the world. 

His son, Daniel, is dead. 

And all at once, a life that seemed to have every duck carefully placed in a row was upside down.

And thus begins a father’s journey in the movie The Way with Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez.   It is a poignant look at a man who has been caught up in the world’s version of success and has, ironically, become somewhat cynical and bitter.  And when the unthinkable happens we see the ensuing inner struggles of a man who suddenly realizes he doesn’t have things figured out quite the way he thought.   

FYI - If you haven’t seen the movie yet, this will contain some slight spoilers. 

The last time the two men spoke they were engaged in an awkward conversation as Tommy drove his son, Daniel, to the airport. Daniel tells his dad about the journey he’s going to make and, in an effort to try connecting with his dad, asks him to come along.  Tommy cynically laughs it off, saying that not everyone has the luxury of taking time off from work to do such a thing. 

And now the time was gone. 

Tommy makes the pain-staking trip to St. Jean Pied de Port, France to retrieve his son’s body and his belongings.  Daniel had just begun his journey on the road of El camino de Santiago, The Way of St. James, a pilgrimage that millions have traveled over the last thousand years.  The journey can begin on any of a number of paths, but the destination is always Galicia, Spain, where some believe the remains of the apostle James are buried.  Depending on the origin of one’s journey, the pilgrimage can take weeks to months. 

Tommy arrives in France and decides to have his son’s body cremated for the return trip.  He begins looking through his son’s backpack at the things he’d chosen to take with him on his journey of discovery.  It’s perhaps the first time in a long time that Tommy had taken a few moments to really study his son. 

And we can’t help but think about how we’re spending the days of our own short lives. 

Tommy decides to honor his son by taking him on the journey anyway.  He throws the backpack over his shoulders, the box of ashes tucked safely inside, and he sets out to make the 500-mile trek in his son’s stead. 

Tommy reluctantly picks up a few friends along the way, each of whom has their own reasons for traveling The Way.  But their reasons seem rather selfish and superficial compared to the heavy burden that Tommy carries. 

The others approach their goals half-heartedly, but Tommy remains steadfast in his mission to do this last loving act for his son. 

As they all reached their destination together, it occurred to me that the only one who successfully accomplished what he set out to do was the one who, in love, set out to do something for someone else. 

It was too late to reconcile with his son, but through choosing this unselfish and loving act he gains much more—a heart of forgiveness, humility, love, and peace.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another."  John 13:34

Jesus made this statement to the apostles the evening He had washed their feet.  He didn’t just say He loved them, He became their servant.  That is what God says love really is and this is the way we’re to live our lives. 

It’s love that gives us the strength to do the hard thing--the ability to lay aside our pride and our own lives in order to finish what God’s called us to do. 

We are all on a journey called life, and loving others is what makes life worth living. The specific ways we’re called to sacrifice throughout our lives may sometimes go against all common sense.  Sometimes we may just not feel like it, just like Tommy didn’t feel like going on the trip with his son.  But God says that by choosing to live a life of sacrifice we’ll gain a lot more that we ever gave up.

As I watched the movie I couldn’t help but also make comparison to Christ and the road He walked in our steads, too.  Like the story, while we were dead in our sins, Christ embarked on a journey for us, a journey we couldn’t take ourselves.  He journeyed to the cross and laid down His life for us to purchase our souls from hell. 

It was His love for His Father and for us that kept Him steadfast on the road to an agonizing death.  But to Him, the reward of giving us eternal life made the journey worth it.

Question4U: What is one thing you can do to live your life more unselfishly?

Blessings and Love,

Dorci

2012 Possibilities

Hello Friends! 

I'll be taking the month of January off to get my house in order.  A decluttered space is a decluttered mind I always say. 

I'll still be posting verses, quotes, thoughts and all-around good and godly stuff on my Twitter and Facebook pages as God puts them on my heart.  If you haven't subscribed to the blog or "followed" or "liked" the the pages yet, please do!  You'll find the links at the side and at the top.  And please share with your friends!

I'm excited about 2012 and all it holds--the good, the bad and the ugly.  We all love the good--the blessings and joys, but we learn and grow from the "bad" and the "ugly."  No matter what comes our way, God already knows about it, has a plan for it and He'll be with us all the way. 

I know God has great plans and I can't wait to share what I learn through them with you.  And I can't wait to hear from you.  Let's go through this year together. 

In the meantime, I'd love to hear how you are planning to be intentional about your relationship with Jesus in 2012.  Successful, thriving relationships don't just happen, they're lovingly cultivated. 

So, what's your plan?  How will you walk closer with Him?  How do you plan to know Him better?  How will you develop your faith in Him? 

Getting closer to Jesus will affect your heart, your mind and every aspect of your life. 

"with God all things are possible." 

Matthew 19:26b

So how will that deepening relationship with Christ manifest itself in your life?  How will allowing Jesus to live His life through you affect your attitudes?  Your relationships?  

Let me know what God is doing in your life and what dreams He's given you for the new year.   

The past is gone.  Time to forgive, let go, refocus, look ahead.  

The new year has a clean slate.  How will you fill it up?

Let's make it a year rich in God's treasures as we know Him and love Him more and more each day.

Blessings!

Dorci

Lessons From a Rosebush...or, Is It Pruning Season Again?

I am the True Vine, and My Father is the Vinedresser.

Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away.

And every one that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bring forth more fruit.

Now you are clean through the Word which I have spoken to you.

John 15:1-3

I don’t know about you, but this isn’t usually what I picture when I think of a rosebush.  Not many stoop to admire bare canes studded only with thorns.  

But the caretaker of this rosebush appreciates the work he has done in order to sculpt a living, growing masterpiece.  He knows that a lack of pruning will create a spindly, weak plant.

He has a vision for the beautiful and useful plant it will be when the pruning is over, colorful buds begin to re-appear and the powerful fragrance it gives will attract birds, bees and us when it is once again in full bloom.

 

The funny thing about pruning a rosebush is that it’s done just when the plant seems to be at its most beautiful--full of large, boldly-colored, intricate blooms.   The husbandman, in his wisdom, decides when and how much to prune each plant and for what reasons according to its individual needs.  Pruning a plant too early or too late can have devastating effects. 

Like the regal rosebush, we who are the children of the King find ourselves in varying stages of growth.  Some are newly planted and some are full of energy and ready to begin blooming. 

Some are full of growth and busy being pollinated by birds and bees or being picked by a child to give to his mother.  Some are being carried down the aisle by a bride and others are being used as a perfume or a healing medicine.  Some inspire song lyrics (or part of a band’s name), and some are being showcased in paintings and admired by many. 

And some have been pruned and lie dormant.

Pruning for the rosebush is as easy as sitting still.  Pruning for us can be a little more painful.  Sometimes it can be so painful we aren’t sure we’ll survive it. 

Pruning can come in the form of trials through financial loss, relationship struggles, in sickness, the death of a loved one or removal from a ministry.  It can come through sacrifice like a move across the country or world. 

All these can cut into our flesh and leave gaping wounds.  But the Caregiver of our souls binds up our wounds with His Word, applies the Son and fresh water through His Holy Spirit.  And when we are filled up and the time is right, we will begin to bloom again. 

We can’t see all the reasons why pruning comes at the time it does and why we sometimes have to be cut back so far.  But God knows the reasons.
 

Some Reasons to Prune Rosebushes and Us

1. To remove old, dead and damaged wood;

            Sometimes a part of our lives may be over, or we may have allowed some bad attitudes, like unforgiveness, to creep in and damage our faith, and they need to be cut away to allow for new and exciting things to begin growing.

2. To shape the plant;

            God shapes us as we mature so that we grow up in all areas and no part of us is lacking.

3. To remove canes that are growing in the wrong direction;

            Sometimes we may pick up some wrong thinking about who God is.  We learn to put away these false ideas about Him as He reveals who He really is so that we can know, love and worship the One, True God.

4. To encourage vigorous blooming and new, healthy shoots;

            Sometimes we feel like we’re cut down in the prime of our service to the Lord.  But God knows that we will be even more useful and more capable when we identify with the Lord in His suffering and so adopt His mind, His humility, and His heart toward people.  God changes our attitudes so that we are even more productive than before.

Whatever the individual reasons for our pruning, it is all meant to clean us up.  I find it interesting that in the verses in John above, the word for prune has the same meaning as the word for clean in the last verse.  What seems to us to be meaningless pain and suffering is really the Lord cleansing and preparing us during a time when we are still and listening intently to Him as we read His Word.  He grooms us so that we will reflect His beauty and magnify His Name. 

Wherever we are in our growth, we will soon find ourselves in another season, many times one we didn’t expect.  But God has a vision for you and me.  He knows each of our needs and how best to accomplish His plans. 

As we realize more and more that there is indeed a master plan, we can grow to appreciate the beauty of every stage of growth, offering comfort to others, being patient with ourselves and trusting in God's loving and wise hand.    

The Effects of An Icy Heart

Please enjoy the following devotion I was blessed to write for my friends' website, Halas & Phos, Salt & Light.

”And he showed me a pure river of Water of Life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.”  Revelation. 22:1

“’He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’ But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive;” John 7:38-39a

Did you know there are actually three waterfalls that comprise Niagara Falls? The water flows from the Niagara River and is separated by two islands into the three Falls. The constant flow of approximately 1,500,000 combined gallons of water per second make Niagara Falls an amazing and beautiful sight to behold.  The massive and continual flow of water also makes it a great source of power for both the Canadian and American sides.  

But there was one day--March 29, 1848—when the water stopped flowing. 

Please read the rest at Halas & Phos here.