Two mornings ago, Sunday morning, I woke very early. I turned on the t.v. and surfed the channels and found Charles Stanley. I've unofficially, in my mind, adopted him as my grandpa. He talked about obedience and the blessing there is in it. He talked about some specific instances when God called him to move in a sacrificial way, how he didn't want to at first, but obeyed, and was rewarded.
That took me back to the last six years of my life - increasing fatigue and pain have made my life look very different than it did six years ago. And I wept over it. As I watch others able to continue on with their lives as always, mine seems to have come to a screeching halt. As I wept, a sentence began to form in my mind's eye. "Wh "...and then nothing. I stopped my jumbled thoughts to listen, and see the rest of the sentence form, "What do you see?"
"What do I see? All kinds of things," was my reply.
And I realized that God was reminding me to look at Him. Focus on Him. He is not gone, He has not abandoned me, He doesn't hate me. My God loves me.
I struggled with whether or not to go to church, my eyes red and swollen from the tears. But I went.
And in a most unexpected and delightful way, my God, Who loves me, put on our pastor's heart to ask that those in the congregation who are struggling with a trial to stand so that those around them could pray for them. And I stood. That was a tremendous blessing.
And then at the end of the service, during the last prayer, he asked if there was anyone struggling with feeling like God had abandoned them or even hated them, or if they felt they had done something wrong that caused God to allow the suffering in their lives. I raised my hand. Many times over the last six years, when the situation has seemed hopeless, I've wondered where God was. Was He finished with me? Had I done something wrong to cause Him to decide that I was useless?
God wasn't angry or dissapointed that I felt that way. He loves me and in His grace and mercy, wanted to reassure me.
And then, if that wasn't enough, a dear friend came to me and told me that during the service she had thought of me, and wanted to tell me that I have redeemed the time. She wasn't aware of my conversation with God hours earlier. And I burst out crying once again. God was telling me that my life has not come to a screeching halt. I haven't been useless and my life has not gone to waste.
What an amazing morning it was.
And now, here I sit, having many times since thought of that sentence that formed in my mind, "What do you see?"
And I'm awake, again, in the darkened and quiet hours of the morning. And the Lord puts Fernando Ortega and his beautiful music on my heart. I searched youtube and found his song Give Me Jesus, which led me to this video.
And God says to me, and to you, "What do you see?" And He holds our little faces, pulls them up from sulking at the ground and from focusing on the world, looks us directly in the eye, and says, "I love you, Dorci, and Linda, and Dawn, and Julie, and Leta, and all my "God's peeps" and facebook followers and all the rest of you." God loves you!